A few years ago, I became a Certified Anger Resolution Therapist (CART) as part of my Continuing Education process as a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). In therapy sessions, I use several of the strategies that I learned in training to help people that are dealing with anger issues to be able to cope with their anger and have more patient, tolerant responses towards those around them. I’m definitely a believer in learning these anger “management” strategies in the early stages of clients struggling with rage. However, as I move forward with a client, one of the questions I will pose to them is this: “Do you want to just learn coping strategies, or would you like to discover the source of your anger?” This usually leads to a turning point in counseling, where I help the client clarify for themselves whether they want to just “cope” or “deal”.
During the last six months of COVID-19 changing all of our worlds, I’ve seen many different ways that people are coping with the pressures of this time. Let me say right off the bat that not all coping mechanisms are bad. Some can actually be quite helpful. Lisa and I have both exercised (at times) during the pandemic and this is a great stress reliever as well as a supplement for better health. I love being in the water, so swimming at our local neighborhood pool and lazy river was our “vacation” this summer (since we really couldn’t go anywhere else), and the 2-3 times a week floating the river was always something we looked forward to. That said, studies show that overall alcohol consumption in our society has increased significantly during COVID-19, and that along with other not so great coping mechanisms are leading to large scale issues in family dynamics.
I remember one time a mentor of mine asking me a strange question. He said to me, “What comes out of a grape when you squeeze it?” Thinking this might be a trick question, I answered, “Grape juice?” He replied, “What comes out of the grape when it is squeezed is what’s inside of it (which in this example WAS grape juice, so I was technically right).” The year of 2020 has confirmed more than ever that when we are squeezed, what is hidden inside of us will eventually come out. You see it vividly on social media platforms, where many are so angry and lashing out at people that they will never have an actual conversation with face to face. You know it’s there because of the recent increase of domestic violence towards spouses and children.
The question I have for you and me both is this: “What’s being squeezed out of us during 2020, and are we going to just cope with it or actually deal with it?”. Elizabeth Scott, MS, says in her article “Avoidance Coping and Why It Creates Additional Stress” that avoidance coping actually adds more long-term stress than facing our issues head on because over time the problem will usually grow larger due to stress feeding it consistently. It’s the age-old question of do we want to have some pain now or more pain later. I know for me one of the issues that’s been “squeezed” out of me during this time is the need to stay busy, and the anxiety that can rise within me when I am not doing something productive. The truth is that I can ALWAYS find something to do as a coping mechanism for that anxiety. However, over the course of 2020, I’ve made the commitment that when those moments come, I’m going to allow myself to sit in that anxiety for a few minutes and explore the belief systems that will appear. You ever heard those types of voices try to tell you that “you’re not good enough” or “you should have done more”? Well, I sure have from time to time, and I can tell you from experience that healing is not found in temporary busyness. It’s found in exploring those feelings and re-establishing new truths.
This week I encourage you to take a few minutes, slow down and breathe. Find your quiet place, or as one wise counselor told me once, "Find your tree." What she was saying to me was that I needed to find a neutral place outside of the house that I could sit still for an hour or two and just be present with my thoughts. Here's one of my places, a really great pond located at Washington on the Brazos State Park, site of the signing of the Texas Declaration of Independence. It hits all the important highlights for me on a tree location. It's in the countryside, it's a famous historical location, and it's got some beautiful water. I've had some great moments at this place over the years until alligators took up residence recently!
After you've slowed down for a bit, take a listen to that small still voice inside you. You know, not the one that screams out loud begging for attention, but the one that you can only hear when you are still. You might call that your conscience or your inner self. For me as a Christian, I believe it's the Holy Spirit helping me to filter between the nonsense I can get bogged down in every day to discover what I really need to be addressing in my life.
Let that still small voice help you evaluate one simple question that I believe is the most important question for all of us: "Are you just coping in 2020? Or, are you allowing what's being squeezed out of you during this time to move you towards actually dealing with your issues and getting the changes that you've always wanted?" My prayer for us all is that we will pursue those things we need to "deal" with starting today, and just not choose to "cope". As always, if you need help in that journey, the team at Thomas Counseling is here for you too.
Peace and Love,
Aaron
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